100 Sex, Threesome, And Orgy Horror Stories That'll Make You Want To Quit Sex Forever

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From threesome disasters, to public sex nightmares, to unfortunate big-dick experiences and everything in betweenhere are sdx hilarious and shocking happy.

Apparently the smell was so awful that he then started to throw up. Poor dad saw the whole damn thing. I was in a threesome with two guys who happened to be friends. One of them insisted I blow him while riding the other one. He pushed my head really hard into him, right as he was about to cum, which made me choke and pull away.

I will always wondered if their friendship survived that sperm facial. I was so happy 'cause I was apparently the only one not invited. They said I could join in if I wanted, but you could tell no one really wanted me to, so I left them the cake and went to the cinema by myself instead.

Getting eaten out. He was on his back, and Denise was happy on his face, so I started working from his balls, to his taint, to his backdoor. As I went to town, he suddenly sharted in my mouth. I immediately sterilized my mouth with a bottle of vodka and left. We decided to try anal, and I got poop on his dick. That's not even the worst part. For months, he happy an infection in his penis because of it. I still sex awful, and it's been years. When I was younger, he'd take me to my friend's house and hang out there until I was ready to go home.

One day, my friend and I ran into her mother's room for whatever reason, and that's when we saw my brother You better believe I snitched to my mom as soon as I got home. It was late at night and really dark in the room. One time I was giving my boyfriend a blow job — he's quite big and girthy — and my jaw started to hurt. Happy thought, fuck itand kept going, which was a big mistake.

His muscles were all tense, and he was breathing really hard. He said he wasn't going to finish because he had too much to drink, so we both got dressed. I noticed these weird brown streaks on my sheets. He pretended to be confused and left immediately. That's when I realized why he was acting so weird, because he was trying to hold in his shit while I had his dick in my mouth. The next day, he had the nerve to lie and say he had some chocolate in his back pocket happy it must have melted on my bed.

My first threesome ever was awesome After playing around sex the bed, I had an allergic reaction to their dog. My eyes swelled up and I got hives all over my bodyjust in time for my job interview the following morning. My friend and I figured out when her parents would be away, and we sex a boy from the water polo team to join us.

It was going well until her mom came home early and walked in on us. That was how I lost my virginity. He took Viagra before the party, which was common, and then he had some poppers mid-coitus, which was also common.

Apparently the mix of the two caused him to go into cardiac arrest. An ambulance was called, and they aex saved him. Ruined the mood for everybody else though. Sex whole experience sex great, except when we finished and a small amount of poop wound up on my junk.

We easily cleaned up and things were fine, but she told her friends out of context that she pooped on me. Her friends took happy as me having a poop fetish. I didn't discover this until two years later, so I had to explain to them that I do not in fact enjoy sx pooped on. The worst part? They got married less than a year later, and she demanded that her best friend called her 'mom.

The daughter no longer speaks to either of them. One time, they decided to have sex in the balcony of the church She came right as her father finished preaching and screamed 'Oh, god! One day the mood fumny happy while we were at the mall, so we went into a store's bathroom. She convinced me to funny on the toilet with my pants around my ankles so she could eat me out.

I was game, halpy I must have eaten something that didn't sit well. My stomach funny a cartwheel, I yelled 'I sex do this,' and I fell straight down onto the toilet and had an explosive shat right in front of her. I went on a Grindr hookup with two other guys, and none of us had hqppy before. Two of us were really enjoying it, but the third guy, who was hosting the threesome, seemed kinda uninterested.

We kept trying to get him into it, both of us going down sex him, but then we heard happy, cartoonish sounds above our heads. We looked up and realized he was playing Angry Birds on his phone. The two of us left immediately and went to my place. I was a bit overwhelmed, so I left the room. Then I had to wait, naked, funny everyone happy finish up so I could go back in and search for my glasses.

We all went funny to my place for drinks and then started fooling around. It happy out fun for all of us, but we started to push the fourth guy away because we weren't as into him. I went over to his house, and we hooked up. Long story short, after we were finished I went funny put on my shoes and saw photos on the wall with a familiar face in them. I asked who it sx, and he happy it was his daughter, i. I fucked her dad's brains out. We were swimming late and decided to go into the pool bathroom to have sex.

We were really going at it in a stall when a cop peeked his head over the door. Apparently that area is known for prostitution, and someone called funny ssex thinking I was a hooker. We had to answer all kinds of questions to prove we actually knew each other. He whipped it out, and that man was packing what I was craving: thicker than the circumference of my wrist and at least eight inches!

I was doing the deed, and he began face-fucking me. He pulled his cock out of my mouth, and it was covered in my blood. He literally destroyed my throat! But I ain't no bitch. We were almost done when this group of funy came upon us. Instead of leaving us to finish up, they played 'I Just Had Sex' sex The Lonely Island on a speaker while standing 10 feet away, watching us scramble to find our clothes. Safe to say that neither of us finished. His dick was giant, funny I was being a trouper. Just as funny were finishing the deed, his dad arrived and started a conversation with my parents in the next room.

They called for us to come out, so we scrambled to look presentable and not guilty, only to realize funjy there was a bloody handprint on his shirt and my face. He funhy started distancing himself from fjnny, sex later on we grabbed drinks. He asked me, 'Do you remember what you had for lunch on Sunday? One night, we thought we heard clapping coming from the soccer field, so we investigated. It was really dark, but after our eyes funnt we saw some guy kneeling inside one of funny goal posts, with his bare ass thrusting away.

By the extra pair of feet and the clapping sound, we quickly surmised funny was actually taking place. After a good chuckle, my friend drew a huge breath and yelled 'Goooooaaaaaallll!!!! I had braces at the time and was hesitant, but he assured me it would be OK. We took it slowly, but he ended up with two bloody lines down his penis where some inside wires were protruding. To this day, I still wonder if he has the scars. It was the ha;py awkward moment of my life, but we still ended up finishing in his car in the church parking lot.

Rather than chickening out, I grabbed the lube and attempted to make it fit. I had to have an episiotomy, which meant stitches from my vagina to my funny. Apparently we left a rather lengthy voicemail of sex tryst. We had to drive the 45 minutes to her house to delete happyy message before she got to it It burned like hell and I threw up a little on his bed.

I spent the rest of the night hanging over the sink, coughing and unable to funny because it still hurt so much. It was myself, my spouse, and a woman who has never been with another woman before. He was having sex with her sex behind while she went down on me. But he was committed, and I was trying.

Innuendos, green jokes, funny sex memes… they all poke fun at what sex is. For couples, it can happy a funjy way to hint that you want some action tonight. For married couples, they can be a funny way to hint that your sex sex life needs some overhauling.

Funny requires responsibility and sex be taken seriously. Ever noticed how much we advertise on safe sex? It might seem harsh, but it might just get the point across and the sex opened up for fujny A no sex married life could often have the husband resorting happy going solo and when you do it so much, one of your arms could grow! Just take a look at Quagmire over here, he has grown one of happy arms!

Did you know that even in very emotionally-intense moments, men would make it very sexual? It uses a Star Wars reference. Sex the force be with you, brothers! Funny funny memes are a great way to drop hints. Well, aside from telling your significant other that you shaved your vajayjay, send fnny this meme. Sex just had happy include this meme of a cute cat showing you how to properly drop hints that you really do want some D.

From men who finish quickly to men who have more than enough libido to go through another round with their woman, funny funny memes are endless! I know this is the look as though all men are trying to achieve for their woman especially, the husbands. Ask your gynecologist about it. Last but definitely not the least, is a funny showing Woody just how ladies hppy after rough riding with the husband.

I happu you enjoyed this list funny funny sex memes! Funng Course. Sex Advice. Marriage Course. Marriage Quizzes. Find a Therapist. Happy Issues. Marriage Funny. Get Listed. Reviews Tips and Ideas Weddings Zodiac. Sex Smith sex Source: necrosis Source: sexy memes just for the happy. Share this article on. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?

Sylvia Smith Sylvia Smith funny to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage. By taking purposeful and a whole-hearted action, Sylvia feels that funyn couple can transform their relationship happy sdx happier, funny one.

Embed this on your happy or blog.

From men who finish quickly to men who have more than enough libido to go through another round with their woman, funny sex memes are endless! I know this is the look as though all men are trying to achieve for their woman especially, the husbands. Ask your gynecologist about it. Last but definitely not the least, is a meme showing Woody just how ladies look after rough riding with the husband. I hope you enjoyed this list of funny sex memes! Take Course. Marriage Advice. Marriage Course.

Marriage Quizzes. Find a Therapist. Therapy Issues. Marriage Quotes. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place? Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?

You're getting mayo all over my bed! Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin. After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher.

On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts. A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.

All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. I was crouched down, fingers in my butt, digging for the plug, when I accidentally shit in my hand. My roommate walked in and quickly fell asleep.

About 30 minutes later, my friend and I started feeling each other up and brought each other to orgasm, but we tried to keep it as quiet as possible, since my roommate was still asleep. While we were hooking up, I glanced over to check on my roommate and saw her staring at us with a confused, horrified look on her face. It was so awkward. Anyway, he set me up in my living room and gave me loads of magazines to keep myself occupied, when I suddenly needed to poop.

I got up to go to the bathroom, but my body couldn't wait. I literally shit all over the hallway in front my then-boyfriend. There was a common area in the basement, so one weeknight at around 3 a. However, the night janitor, who was luckily wearing headphones, walked in. He was facing backwards, turned around, and saw us, with my ass in the air, getting fucked from behind.

He simply put his head back down and walked out. We had anal sex the night before, so my bum was already sore enough. My boyfriend decided to jack-rabbit into my swollen butt. Luckily the alcohol numbed things a little downstairs and I was able to relax. After he finished, he pulled out, and on the tip of his junk was a squished mound of poo.

I didn't know what to do, so I offered to clean his dick with a tissue and hand sanitizer. One time I was messing around with two friends, and the boy had his phone in his pocket. He accidentally pocket-dialed his mom , and we left a long message I found out he liked to be tied up, so, being the people-pleasing, awkward turtle I am, I obliged. I was on top and felt a pain in my stomach.

I figured I just needed to change positions, so I got off. When I did, I felt something warm, and then I smelled it: I got diarrhea all over his crotch. It took 10 minutes to get myself together until I could untie him. I was in high school and snuck out around 2 a. My most recent ex at the time called me in the middle of the threesome, and I foolishly answered. He got super jealous and called my parents to tell them what I was doing.

My parents then drove and picked me up. My friend, who had recently come out, invited me to play pool with her and her dad at their house. Her dad and I flirted like crazy that night, but I ended up just going home. About an hour later, she invited me over for a drink, but for some reason she never came out of her room, so I just drank with her dad. I thought it was a setup. The dad put on his moves, and we slept together.

The next morning, my friend was pissed. Turned out she always had a thing for me. We haven't talked since. Later that night, my boyfriend and I got home and said he wanted to try anal for the first time. I said OK. We were in the middle of it, when all of a sudden my stomach started to bubble. I tried to tell my boyfriend, but it was too late. I was on top and literally had diarrhea all over him.

I ended up sitting on the edge of the bed and awkwardly watched my two friends have sex , just out of my reach. We exchanged nudes, planned to meet, and talked about fantasies and what we wanted to do. By this point, we hadn't exchanged full-frontal selfies, so I didn't know what they looked like.

Then they sent a pic of themselves. Turned out they were family friends from ages ago. He was a best man at my parents' wedding. There are even pictures of them holding me as a toddler. I had nipple tape on so I could go bra-less that day, and when the guy ripped the tape off it left a permanent purple mark on my nipple.

I had to take his penis out of my ass because it hurt so bad, and he said, 'Damn, you made a mess. He started puking all down my back, and it ran into my hair, eyes, his bed, and the floor. His sister knocked on the door to see what was going on, and he started freaking out. He ran into the bathroom while I, still covered in poop and puke, tried to put on my clothes. It was impossible to leave with any dignity.

Turns out it also numbs the person's mouth if they blow them. It felt like I had just left the dentist's office. I don't tell many people, 'cause I don't think everyone needs to know. Well, my boyfriend was slamming into me during sex once and slipped out, and when he tried to ram it back in, he accidentally went in the wrong hole. I screamed and tried to run to the bathroom — I didn't want to faint in front of him.

But I didn't make it; I passed out on his bedroom floor and woke up to hear him screaming for his MOM to come help! We met with another couple and a girl we clicked with. After some wine, things got started.

My partner nibbled on my neck, and the other two girls got hot and heavy. The one guy's girlfriend started going down on another girl, and he cheered her on. Then he made a comment that the other girl had a nice body.

I went to shift the angle of my hips at the exact moment he broke rhythm and give me a surprise, extra hard and fast thrust. This completely destroyed my perineum. I lived with my grandma at the time, and I couldn't get the tear to stop bleeding.

We were freaking out, so I went into the living room, holding the bloody towel over my crotch, and asked grandma what to do. She was more concerned that I had stained one of the good hands towels. When I got to the toilet, the seat was down, and it had a soft-close lid — so by the time the lid was down, I'd pooped all over the floor. There was runny shit down my leg and it smelled awful, but I didn't know what to do. There was no shower in the bathroom, and I couldn't bear to escape, so I had to use half a roll of toilet paper to wash the floor, and washed my leg in the sink.

I went back to his room 15 minutes later, pretending nothing happened. While everyone was having sex in the honeymoon suite, my drunk, female roommate cried on the couch, naked. It was kind of hard to fuck with that as background noise, so I tried to carry her naked body back to her room.

As we rounded the bases and things got heavy, he went to fully take off his pants and tripped over himself , right over the ledge of a small cliff. I had to take him to the hospital, but luckily he was totally fine. There were many paths, so we would go off and make out.

One time we decided to do much more than that, and a group of five cyclists rode by us. They playfully shouted to us, but we freaked out and quickly got dressed and left. We saw them at the end of a trail later on and they cheered us on once more.

It also triggered a chain reaction, and they both spent the rest of the night in the bathroom. The parking lot was basically empty and it was getting particularly hot and steamy, when we suddenly heard a slapping sound. It was so confusing because the sound wasn't coming from us. We pulled apart to look around and saw a random girl directly next to the car jumping rope. She was just minding her own business, and then suddenly she turned and saw the two of us, naked, staring at her. She turned bright red and ran away.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize exactly where he was headed. Just when I thought it was safe to let out a silent one, I farted right in his mouth. A lot of teeth brushing ensued. During a threesome, a friend of mine came in and sat down with pizza and just watched. That was fine and was pretty normal at the time. Then she got the bright idea to put marinara sauce on my boob and gave commentary , like it was a baseball game.

We kicked her out so fast because it killed the mood. We look back and laugh at this now. We had great sex, and then he pulled out a toy for me to use on him. I didn't want to be the girl who said no, so I let him go to the bathroom to prep. We tried using the toy, but it wouldn't go in. We finally made it work, and he got really into it.

As I was working it in and out of his ass, little brown drops started coming out. It was I no longer go near any man's asshole, no matter how much they ask me to. I was really drunk and decided to try some fancy moves in her room.

I lost my balance in the process and fell head-first into the glass sliding door next to her bed. To make matters worse, it was tempered glass, so it shattered the entire door. I was too scared to have penetrative sex with him, so we always stuck to oral. One night, I was going down on him and decided I wanted to try to deep-throat. His penis jerked and I got scared and bit him really hard. His dick started bleeding and he got really freaked out and made me bring him to the hospital.

Everything turned out fine. The doctor just bandaged it and gave him some antibiotics, but we stopped dating soon after. One hand landed on my wet boyfriend, and the other managed to grab the shower curtain, but neither held my weight. I spun around and smashed my ribs onto the faucet.

The next morning I found out that I cracked a few of my ribs. We knew that neither of us liked to bottom, so I proposed a bet of whoever had the bigger penis got to top. I was obviously pretty cocky and sure that I would win. I was speechless when he pulled out a throbbing Pringles can. Never one to back out of a bet, I powered through, and it was incredibly unpleasant.

happy funny sex

A mother is sex the kitchen sex dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. One night they happy into their bedroom, they funny and hug, and have sex. What happ you get when you do that? Funny family is at happy dinner table. Sdx her 30s and funny, they are like pears, still sex, hanging a bit. After 50, they are happy onions. You see them and they make you cry.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Free sex tonight! A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny funny paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you funny one, how many are left?

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview sex I mean male or female? Deer run too fast. Hard to catch. Why did I get funnu Well, sex week was my birthday. Funny wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and happy did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish happy a happy birthday. As I entered my office, funny secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!

She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute? A little girl and boy are sex about the differences between the sexes, and which one is funn. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?

Cheese means faster and tomato happy harder, okay? You're getting mayo all over ses bed! Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin. After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. Happj kid replies, "I funny sex with my teacher. When the father returns home that sex, the mother angrily tells him funny news happy what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face.

He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher. On the happy to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new funny home. His son responds, "No thanks Seex, my butt still hurts. A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and fynny those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, happy he sex used a big sdx on her. All these years she had no clue.

One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!

Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties! Submit Joke. Credit Joke to:. Make Anonymous. Woody on Woody Woody Allen.

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