How TUPD Encouraged Me to Stay in an Abusive Relationship
Growing up as a child, I was told that I would not have to worry about the police being mean as long as I was always doing the right thing. Unfortunately at Tufts I learned that is far from the case. Police officers are oft considered to be always truthful (at least while on the job) and more honourable than a private citizen. Now I know that police departments are compromised of regular people, which means that they, too, make mistakes. Unfortunately, the mistakes of certain officers of the Tufts University Police Department (TUPD) have consequences that will resonate for the rest of my life. I never thought I would grow up to identify with (and be among) many people of colour who hold an innate distrust of police officers. To this day I have to make a conscious effort to subdue a panic attack while walking by male police officers in the subway station. I try to remind myself that they are not like the people at TUPD that dehumanized me, but it is little to no comfort.
After a bad encounter with two specific officers at the university, no one took my complaints about my mistreatment seriously.These two officers laughed at me and cursed at me; they ignored my pleads that my boyfriend physically hurt me. I could not believe that they did not even consider whether it was true for even a second. I remember telling someone in the Dean of Students how some officers laughed at me and did other horrible things and she suggested talking to the captain of the PD at the time. I sent multiple emails, left multiple voicemails in his inbox. He only begrudgingly acknowledged my presence when I decided to show up in person. As I shared my experiences and expressed my concerns, he listened with a deadpan face and quickly replied saying nothing was done wrong. I knew he was judging me even before I even finished what I had to say; I knew it was a lost cause. Yet again another system (within the school) had let me down.
It was devastating to have the same message from various venues tell me that I had no value. I don’t know how many times in how many different ways I have been told that I do not matter. It was very clear that the people who had power at the school had no desire to help me.
I will never know why Tufts University Police Department simply did not give a fuck. Even years later that same captain treated my rapist more nicely than he treated me. Despite expressing my fear of my assailant, this captain lied to me and spoke in a very harsh, stern voice. I always felt like he thought he was wasting his time whenever addressing me. I can’t express how worthless and small I felt when he has ever addressed me. It is unbelievable to think that someone blatantly “took sides.” This captain was interested in asking irrelevant and embarrassing questions instead of directly address what I said.
So how did these experiences influence me to stay with the man who raped me? I thought that perhaps if I showed that the very guy that caused them to not believe me or think I’m valuable was in a relationship with me…somehow would find out and realize that they were wrong and my words actually did have merit. I know that I was seen as some horrible, lying (crazy!) woman and I thought that being with someone who has helped paint that ugly picture would be proof that it wasn’t true. I thought that people saw that he loved me, it would be very obvious I couldn’t be this terrible person that every thought I was.
Clearly I was wrong. I was still wronged by the university well after leaving the relationship. However, now I can truthfully say I know all too well how there are many factors – inside the relationship and out – that keep people in abusive relationships. The systems that were designed to help me have failed me. My partner clearly knew that anything was fair game by this point. The administration didn’t believe me and the police didn’t give a fuck about me either. Once it became clear that Tufts was on his side, the existence of his free reign made me believe that staying with him was the best and safest option.
There is a desperate need to reform. I pray that no one else has to ever go through my pain. Hopefully Tufts feels the same way and will show their agreement by making radical, positive change to how they address domestic and sexual violence.
