SA policies and rape myths: What admin should NEVER say

This post will cover a few of the rape myths mentioned earlier. What they all have in common is that these are myths that need to be combated through implementation of a policy than what is officially written in a student handbook.

• Only sexy looking women are raped.
  This myth exists because people view rape as a sexually motivated crime. Again, it is not. Rape is a crime of power, perpetrated by people who find gratification in overpowering. It doesn’t matter how sexy or attractive the victim is perceived as being.
• Women who dress provocatively deserve to be raped.
  The words “dress provocatively” can be replaced with any number of different words, like “are intoxicated,” “flirt with men,” or “hitchike.” The truth is that no one deserves to be raped, no matter what they were doing. It is not up to someone to avoid being raped. It is the obligation of people to decide not to rape.

These two myths are very closely related and are based on the same idea…it doesn’t matter how you dress, who you are, or what you were doing – RAPE IS NOT YOUR FAULT. A miniskirt does not force someone else to rape. If a woman doing the Naked Quad Run it does not mean that she wants to have sex or doesn’t deserve enough respect to ask her for respect. So it is completely unacceptable for administrators to ask “What were you wearing that night?” when someone has the courage to report as if it’s relevant to whether she is truly raped that night. It’s unacceptable to ask “Are you sure?” when someone comes forward. Intoxication (underage or otherwise) is not an excuse to rape or be raped.

The administration needs to be properly trained so they know this and don’t slip out questions or comments that will stay with the survivor forever. And they will stay with them forever; I still recall the offensive statements and inquiries as if they were said yesterday. Oh, and no matter how hard they pretend that they’re impartial – we can tell you don’t believe us. Repeating (over and over) that “you’re not on anybody’s side” won’t change the truth that your actions and other statements say otherwise. Just the observation that you see the need to repeat yourself so often makes us think – who are you trying to convince? You or me? The saddest part is that these issues are not isolated; I have commiserated with other students who had the same exact feelings and similar experiences. And at the end of the day what matters most is how survivors feel, because that is real and cannot be contested.

One more myth for the day:

• Normal men don’t rape.
  Most rapists seem normal to their friends, families and co-workers. They just hold people in low regard and do not understand or do not care about the consequences of their actions.

This myth really frustrates me because I think that society is quick to dismiss a rape charge if a man is prominent in the community. I don’t care if you’re TCU President or son of Larry Bacow = YOU CAN RAPE. Is it was so easy to point out a rapist, there wouldn’t be such a low arrest and even lower conviction rate. And at the end of the day their profession does not matter. How their friends view them does not matter (of course their friends think highly of them!). If their parents are super rich or if they worked with the Dean of Students before should be irrelevant. How nice someone is in front of your face does not indicate whether they sexually assaulted someone because they did not get consent.

The Australian South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault agrees.

Most rapists are aged between 15 and 45, though many older men rape too. Rapists are very often married or have girl friends. They will be someone’s father, grandfather, brother, husband, uncle, boyfriend or acquaintance. They could be architects, doctors, teachers, plumbers, truck drivers, unemployed or retired. They are ‘normal’ men.

In an article published in the Kolkata Telegraph the writer says:

The typical rapist lives in a normal neighbourhood, he might have an average job, sometimes a wife and children. They’ve been policemen, businessmen, teachers, fathers and fathers-in-law, ward boys, swamis, sometimes jobless. Rapists have been lawyers, like the advocate in Kerala who held a 16-year-old girl captive for 40 days while she was serially raped by 43 different men.

At the end of the day these administration members were never there so they should try to be as impartial as possible. To be honest, I don’t think the Dean of Affairs alone should handle the Judicial Process. What if either party has worked with them? What if somehow their parents have threatened them before with a lawsuit? Regardless of what anyone says, that is going to affect their thoughts and actions. Yes, I still think they all should be trained, but there needs to be an independent, impartial, overseeing party that deals with sexual violence cases only. Dean of Students deals with so many things that there is a high chance that one of the students has dealt with them before. At the end of the day, we need policies to ensure that it is fair for everyone.

P.S. There’s a great list at After Silence of “Things not to Say to a Survivor.” It doesn’t cover everything (obviously), but it’s a great place to start.